1st book. 1st page. 1st paragraph. Oh crap, I don’t know if I can do this.
by ggPuppetLady
I re-arranged my work shifts for 2013 so that Friday became my ‘Stay at home and Write’ day. I have banned myself from making appointments or social engagements on Fridays, and sometimes I don’t even raise the garage roller door that leads to the outside world. I am committing myself to a ‘creative cave’; an essential discipline in my writing quest.
But now, this journal-reading process is making me feel like Fridays equal a trip to the dentist. Just for the record, I didn’t go to one for 8 years. Only when food got stuck inside my aching back tooth every time I ate, and one day I realized there was an entire piece of long grain brown rice caught in there, did I go (six times that year).
Sorry Dad, but opening your first journal really sucks. It’s like a dental appointment, but knowing you’re going to have a root canal through your heart.
So here goes with the first paragraph:
“Still suspicious & mistrustful, how can that change, not sure it can, and if it can’t no point in carrying on, that’s not how I want to live- being suspicious and mistrustful…”
Oh crap. I’m so scared. I have no idea how to handle this. It’s very confronting to know that I’m going to discover more sides to my Dad now that he’s dead than those I knew when he was living. I know there is a gift in that, and I hope I will feel grateful one day, but right now I’m just scared.
Every post on this Blog has upset me, either before or during writing it. But today was the worst. I feel like I’ve cracked the top off a volcano, compelled by a sense of responsibility, creativity, adventure and love. What a damn stupid idea. I am a very small human being, and a volcano is a potentially very destructive mountain. What was I thinking??
How do I deal with writing about these emotional experiences, on this world wide web? What about privacy issues? I know the people mentioned in these pages- do I need to ask their permission to read about their interactions with my Dad, as a courtesy? Not to mention my plans to write about them all. I know it’s 25 years ago, but still… Is there a statute of limitations on diaries?
Help, please. All advice or references gratefully received.
Keep going. They’ll be fine.
thanks shane. it’s good to know you’ve got my back 🙂 x
Oh Gabrielle. ‘A root canal thru the heart’ that’s awfully descriptive!.
I imagined this would be a happy event, finding out more about your Dad, BTW: which way do you spell your Dad’s name? I never thought (usually the case) that this would be so upsetting. I guess you have the choice to put them back in the box and hide them away; but actually it would be you doing the hiding, and you were never ever the type to hide away!
Be gentle with yourself. Will write more soon xxx
Thanks heaps Mark. I agree, I could put them away, but it’s too late now: I’ve got this Blog & my followers to think about 🙂
I think I was just a bit shocked to drop straight into Lawrence’s world so quickly… I will go gently ❤ x
My dear friend Jo sent me this message about this latest post, and said I could share it with you all:
“… Here’ s what I reckon…
I reckon you started this journey for a reason my friend. Time will uncover what it is…just trust yourself that you’ll be able to handle whatever it throws at you, that yes it will be painful at times, but it’s clear you’re searching for something.
You may not end up reading all his journals after all, as you may just find what it is once the feeling shows itself and you’ll know it when it happens.
Or you may read them all, and nothing or something happens. Either way it’s a journey you felt right to choose.
I can’t imagine reading my dad’s journals and won’t as he doesn’t keep them. But to get to know him, his thoughts, fears and dreams- I think that would be quite amazing and special and precious. (And terrifying, for what would I find in there??!)
Ask yourself this; If your dad didn’t want for you to read them, would he have made it so easy for you to find them?
universe loves ya. You’ll be ok. xxxx”