About
My beloved Dad kept personal journals for many years. He died suddenly in 2008. They arrived from his old home in Canada, packed up in The Box, and I finally decided to read them. Because I can’t ignore them can I? Or throw them away?
The death of a loved parent is a life-changing experience, and it rocked my world. I was 42. But I slowly bounced back, wiser, softer, more determined to enjoy every meal as if it was my last, because one day it simply will be.
I planned for this Blog to support me in his journal-reading process, and feed into a book about losing your Dad. I aim to post once a month, give or take. It has since evolved into more of a notebook, into which I paste thoughts and experiences as well.
In the ‘real world’, I work as an Artist, performing puppetry for adults, doing roving theatre characters on the street or stilts, and also teach Pilates in a fabulous studio. I consider myself an emmerging writer, short stories for the moment, and I dance the 5Rhythms to feed my soul. I’m 48, with a teenage son week on week off, a cat named Yeti who comes when you call him, and more hilarious online dating tales than you can poke a stick at. But that’s another blog…
Welcome, love gabrielle 🙂
A big day indeed! I don’t think anyone can be prepared for the death of their father; I certainly wasn’t.
However, I do wish my Dad had kept a journal. You will be privy to some of your Dad’s most private thoughts; maybe some you won’t want to read, but I imagine you will get to know your Dad in a new way. That’s exciting.
You must never throw them away! They are part of a living history of a good man who like all of us, just tried his best and did okay. I wonder how far back they go?
This will be a great adventure. Open a bottle first then open the box. I’m sure it will be filled with gems. xx
Thanks Mark. I’m grateful to have your support and advice 🙂
I am glad you commented on my blog so that I was able to find yours. This is such a fascinating concept to me, especially because like your dad, I have kept journals my entire life. Once in a while I wonder in the back of my mind what will happen to them when I die. I’m looking forward to read more from you as you move through this process.
Thanks Orange Steamboat: you are my first official ‘complete stranger’ follower! 🙂
I’m glad you’re along for the ride; personal journals are indeed an important legacy we need to think about…
Hi Gabs – what a good idea. I’d be happy to help if you need any padding! Cheers to you – Roget
Thanks Uncle, glad you approve 🙂
Hi Gabrielle, you’re as inspiring as ever, actually doing what you say you’re going to do. I’ve been doing some study recently about death and dying and living as it turns out. It’s true what you wrote we never what meal will be our last. It makes sense that bereavement is much harder when the death of a loved one is sudden, with no time to prepare or get ones head around the concept that loss is coming… good luck with The Box, I look forward to reading your posts, and that spare room sounds great…hmm
Thanks for dropping by Kimbo 🙂
Yes, I’m on a bit of an intense journey with this undertaking, but I can’t turn away, I’m compelled!
Your studies sound great, lets talk soon, & I hope you follow this Blog xx
Hey Gabrielle, I am sure you are in for an adventure. It is a real privilage to be allowed a portal into another person’s past. The written word is, indeed, a magical device of time travel. I have been fortunate enough to read my Great grand father’s journal from the Gallipoli era and the recollections he condensed from earlier Boer war and even childhood (circa 1870s) stories. He condensed these in the 1940s and it is quite poignant that you can see, in his prose and handwriting quality, his dwindling health. His writing was humourous and captivating. It is a precious resource for me. I trust you are in for an adventure with your father’s journals and will net a really creative result from them. Large love -Ed
Wow Ed, how amazing to have your hands on such precious journals! I think I am struggling with Dad being so close to me and my sense of self; if there was a generation or two of Time between us, it may be easier? But I think you’re right: it will be an adventure, albeit an emotional rollercoastery one, and has certainly already been very creatively stimulating. Thanks for stopping by and commenting, love to you too, gg x
How fortunate you are to have your father’s journals. I hope they give you comfort, as we never forget the passing of our loved ones. Thanks for the visit to my blog.
Thanks- yes, they are a tricky gift, for I’m both eternally grateful yet also scared shitless of what I may find! Wish me luck 🙂
{{{Gabrielle}}}
Woah! Can’t even imagine.
Sitting with tears in my eyes writing this, knowing both how precious and terrifying this part of the journey must be. As you know, coming up to third anniversary of my dad shrugging off the mortal… and the loss is still raw, but bearable.
Not known for his copious writing, I partly feel envy that you have such a gift to turn to. On the other hand, would I really want to delve into the inner thoughts and workings of a mind whose outward expression is the sole, and whole, truth of the man that he wished to convey publically (and privately). The man who nurtured, loved unconditionally, and worked tirelessly to keep family together, from a very young age. (He was 14 when he lost his own father, and suddenly found himself sole breadwinner, supporting a mother and ten siblings).
The inner thoughts spilled out rarely – and these partially revealed hurts that he shouldered without complaint, pain me still. Could I handle seeing these private fears and feelings on the page? In time, hopefully.
And I suppose that is the crux of it. GIve it time, my dear. Slow, baby steps at first.
Much love for the journey. xx
Oh Thankyou so much for dropping by, & viewing all my posts so diligently! I hoped you would, when I visited your blog…
Yes, it is indeed a terrifying journey, but I also feel compelled. I AM taking it slowly- haven’t blogged in a couple of weeks because I stopped reading the first journal- had to give myself a break- yes, it’s been four & a half years since he passed but my heart still aches; I guess it always will.
I’m so glad you’re along for the journey, and I will appreciate your support if it comes 🙂 x
I’m sure that ache will last longer than we care to consider. Despite the release of being able to sing that song for my “wee fella”, and the incredible sense of finding a little bit of myself again which is not defined by that empty space in my life, the “closure” described is more like a permission to “get on with it”, than an end to the pain.
Deeply honoured to be part of your journey. 🙂
(Though I may just end up being a blubbering mess in your time of greatest need… 😉 ) xx
haha, bless ya! 🙂
Hi Gabrielle,
I’ve been keeping a journal since I was 11 or so and recently my 17-year old asked me if he could read them after I die. Putting aside the somewhat uncomfortable idea of me dying, I was touched that he was interested in finding out more about who I was before I was him mom and finding out who I was *besides* being his mom.
I told him he could read them 🙂
Hi Gabrielle, I saw that you stopped by and read some of my stuff—thanks for taking the time 🙂 How are you, how’s it going with your dad’s journals? You’ve taken a break from writing I see, but everytime I see that picture of you and that puppet it brings a smile to my face 🙂
Thanks for asking- I’ve actually just finished a new puppetry project AND moved 3000kms last week, so the blogging is due to start anew next week! It’s brewing as we speak 🙂
Yes, that photo makes me smile too 🙂
Good luck on your endeavor ggPuppetLady. My dad too passed away quickly last January. I feel your loss.
Thankyou for reading, & I’m sorry to hear of your loss too- it’s a shock isn’t it? The first year was definitely the hardest… Take care, gabrielle
Thank you gabrielle. It was a complete shock. He had just been diagnosed cancer free at Thanksgiving. Two weeks later (Christmas Eve) we admitted him to an inpatient hospice unit. He passed with me at his side on 4 Jan.
Oh that’s really hard! And this time of year will now be forever changed for you… Be gentle with yourself. But how wonderful that you were with him; I truly believe that is a gift for both of you, & I know that’s how I’d like to pass on myself, with loved ones beside me. Thankyou for sharing 🙂
[…] I struggled a lot when my dear Dad died in 2008. I blogged about it at Reading Dad’s Journals HERE for a long time. Two days ago I bumped into Englishwoman ‘A’ who my Aunt had introduced me to […]